I am uber neglectful. Oops.

So since September we have had a lot going on. 

In no particular order...

Aiden started an early intervention program 2 half days a week during the school calendar

Aiden has started speech therapy and met with an occupational therapist 

Daycare has changed directors, so Inclusion Support is finally getting involved

I turned 22

My gorgeous girls turned 2 (going on 16)

DH is enrolling in a Diploma of IT Networking

We have added to our household! We now have 2 ducks and 2 chickens that the kids love.

It was a busy and often stressful time for me, so I pulled away from people (online and in real life) and am finally in a position where I am starting to give back. 

I am hoping to do the 365 project (well really 366 this year) and to blog more often. 

I am an active member on two forums and on various FB groups. I want to start giving back, emotionally, mentally and physically to those who have given so much to us. 

I also want to take the time to learn more. I feel like I'm at this stale stage of my parenting which shamefully is yelling a lot. I need to learn to breathe more and that them putting noodles all over the couch isn't the end of the world. 

I need to trust myself more and follow their lead.

I need to nurture myself. For the last four years I have defined myself as a mother and then a wife. This needs to change. I need to find me.

In this last 12 months I have come along way. I have changed (for the better I hope) and I need to keep this going for all our sakes.

A hard time in the house of Bean

The green eyed monster seems to be living with me fairly often lately. I am jealous of those who have babies. I am jealous of those who are pregnant. I am jealous of those who don't wake numerous times overnight to check their children are breathing. I am jealous of those who don't have to distract their son to go to the post office for fear he will lose it and throw things. I am jealous of those who have an open line of communication with their husband. I am jealous of people that take all this for granted.

I feel like a bad friend. I am overjoyed when my friends announce pregnancies and share beautiful baby photos, but it hurts me. Where is my baby? I know I'm greedy, I have 4 beautiful, healthy kids already, but my plan included more. I planned on 6 kids and all the crazy that comes with it. Instead we have a whole other level of crazy.
My daughters talk about their 'Fifi' so much, pointing out others babies as 'Fifi' which hurts me. I love that they know of their sister but they deserved to grow up with her and fight over toys and clothes and stupid things, to laugh and share their hearts and minds and love one another in that crazy way only sisters can.
Aiden obviously is a fair bit of work and we all sacrifice for Aiden (gladly might I add). The kids love the park and muddies playground but we never go because Aiden runs away and I spend the whole way home angry and in tears. We don't really go to anyone's house anymore (aside from my grandparents) as it's too stressful. Our marriage suffers for the fact we don't even get a break at night. Aiden has a terrible sleep pattern and sleeps in our bed, often waking at 2 or 3am to 'play' (walking in circles in the lounge and play with cars). 

The stress on my marriage is insane. It's hard to be on the same page for our children when we're worlds apart. We have dealt with Sophie's death differently and it shows. Ben pulls away from the world and internalises everything, to the point it feels like he doesn't care. It will be weeks between when he talks about her and it's always so raw because he doesn't allow himself to grieve and feel for his daughter and himself. I have done my screaming and yelling and crying about how unfair everything is and how I miss my baby. I proudly have photos of Sophie on my FB and have found my few friends where I am candid about my life (including her) which works wonders for me. I am lucky I have people who recognise that regardless if Soph is here or not, she is my daughter and matters to me.

I have been focusing lately on getting Aiden on wait lists and organising kindy for next year. I have also started a tiny veggie garden (Sienna and I ate a tomato each off our little plant, yay!) which seriously needs to be weeded. We are also striving to live green so the kids are back in cloth nappies and I am happily living plastic free at home (I'm endeavouring to make this an everywhere plan but am taking baby steps so not to scare Ben). I plan on selling our dryer since I have been using it daily (yes even in this hot weather, it's called lazy) and using my car less to get the kids out in the fresh air.
I'm loving baby wearing again, I have a dreamcarrier and Ben has a manduca that are getting used daily. It feels nice to have the kids so close and have my hands free, especially since the girls are teething at the moment and are so clingy.
I will have to take photos of the kids backyard setup. We decided to minimise our stress we would have a playgym at home so no more tears and runners, we just step outside. We now have a large trampoline, a small slide for the girls, a wading pool, a swingset (that I want to fix up, it's fairly old but still has plenty of life in it) and a large double storey wooden playground with swings and 2m slide. The best purchase we have ever made and it gets used daily. It took a mammoth 9 hours to put together (we stuffed up twice, oops) but we are very impressed with it (thanks Shaun and Joel for all your help). This safe place is invaluable for Aiden and will get years of use to come.
Finally I have started going through all my baby things and rehoming them. While I long for another baby I feel its unhealthy to hoard things purely because I bought them for Sophie and she never wore them. I have kept sentimental pieces of hers and the other kids but have made my peace with the fact that things take time and it may be months or years before I fall pregnant. It feels good to be at this place in my life where I'm getting better and now is my time to move forward, instead of constantly looking back.

Much love

Sorry, sorry!

So I've been superbly slack at blogging of late. My house has needed my attention (we have redone the garden), kids are so busy and I've recently been looking at running a forum on the side.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Out of nowhere I felt like I was hit with a truck and spent a fair while just sobbing that I missed Sophie and things are never easy (because really if I don't feel sorry for myself, who will?). The girls cuddled me for a while and Aiden went to bed at 5.30pm (Aiden is a terrible sleeper, some nights I can wake up and he's wandering quietly or lying on the lounge room floor silently playing with his hands. It scares the living shit out of you when you step over what you think is a toy and it grabs your leg.) so I figured while he was out to it the girls and I would make muffins.
I can remember being pregnant with Aiden so sure I would have a daughter. I used to talk to 'her' in utero, promising 'her' we would bake together and play dress ups and have fun girly days. When my 20 week scan came up I was shocked to learn 'she' was a he and spent the rest of my pregnancy panicking on how I would relate to a son. When I had the girls I made no such promises as I was panicking how I would manage triplets and a toddler alone. I figured now was as good a time as any to catch up on what we should of been doing for months.
My little ladies sat on the kitchen bench helping me measure, mix and taste test (Bella really enjoyed that part). We made 24 raspberry and pear muffins together and they had one each for dessert. Ben and I put them all to bed at 7pm and I figured I'll keep baking until Aiden wakes up.
Fast forward to 1am, 2 trays of pumpkin scones and 18 vegie muffins later (with a clean kitchen and all) I realised something. Aiden may actually sleep through, despite the early bedtime. I squished into bed next to Aiden and hoped for the best.
This morning I enjoyed an 8am wakeup thanks to Bella, Sienna and Ruby jumping on us and for once Aiden woke up refreshed in a good mood. We managed showers, breakfast and took the girls to my grandparents so Ben and I could take Aiden to play therapy.
Aiden had a great session where he pretended to drink from a teacup repeatedly, that a box was a car and then a plane, and then finished off with playing farm animals. It's a big step up from his first session where it took 5 minutes of us pretending to drink from a teacup for him to try once. It sounds silly but these are big things in this house.
Well I'm off to diffuse the fight that is naptime :)

Today I was faced with a dilemma. I told my son's daycare that he is on the spectrum, awaiting official diagnosis from the paediatrician and that I would appreciate an open line of communication about his day. His group leader was great, really working with me and listening to what I had to say. She said she has been making allowances for Aiden for a while now, finding there are things he cannot and will not do and pushing them only ends in melt down. She told me she gently holds Aiden's face so he's forced to make eye contact, and has been telling off other staff for yelling at my son when doesn't listen or won't play with others.
Wait hang on, people are yelling at Aiden? For not sitting on the mat and playing with others when he's stressed? For not wanting to touch play dough? For getting over stimulated and scared so he has a meltdown? I get that it is frustrating sometimes but jesus, yelling at my 3 year old for things he can't help? The director refuses to accept that there's anything different about Aiden until a letter from the paeds is in her hand and until then (and I quote) 'we won't do special treatment'.
Aiden doesn't want anything fancy like a ferrari, he just wants help to cope with the world around him. If he was physically handicapped they'd be doing whatever was necessary in fear of me suing their asses if they didn't, but no, my son looks like every other 3 year old so he will be treated like one, despite needing assistance.
Do I keep him where he has just settled and put up with this bullshit or do I move him and make him start all over again?

Urgh they make me so mad. Well I'm off to nit comb my children's hair again as daycare will be checking their hair for eggs and if there is so much as one in any of their hair they have to all go home and I get to pay for another day of daycare they're being excluded from despite having no live nits /screams.

My beautiful boy

I am blessed. I have 5 gorgeous kids and a wonderful husband. While I only get to hold my 4 eldest children I know I'm lucky, I have no doubt. I've decided to focus on my little man today.

Aiden was born at 5.10am in Redcliffe hospital after 11 hours of labour. He was a healthy 3.4kg, 51cm long and had a 34cm round noggin. He was perfect and such a spunk. He spent a little time in SCBU with a suspected heart murmur but we left hospital 5 days later. When he was 6 weeks old we moved back to Cairns.
Aiden was an active cheeky bub and toddler but his speech has always been lacking. He gets easily frustrated at a lack of communication which turns into violence very quickly (imagine relying on others to feed, change and care for you but not be able to effectively communicate your wants and needs, you'd get slap happy too).
Aiden is obsessive about things too, the pantry must be a certain way, all the toys must be grouped together (cars with cars, dolls with dolls) and doors must be locked (and occasionally shut if the mood strikes him). He won't make eye contact with strangers, he peeks at them under his eyelashes and looks to me for reassurance for everything (which makes strangers think I'm the biggest helicopter parent ever). Aiden can't just have one biscuit, it MUST be one in each hand (and this goes for all food), he hates the texture of playdough and loves to tip over the dog food and run his hands through it over and over until it is everywhere (he can't help it, when I try and stop him you can see how distressed he gets). Aiden loves to dance and watch tv. Imaginative play doesn't exist here and he spends 90% of his day avoiding interacting with others. Aiden gets stressed trying to play with his sisters, they don't respect his silent rules (don't move things he places down, they're there for a reason, etc) and he gets in so much trouble from Ben for wrestling his sisters (in his defense Bella and Ruby start it and by god does he finish it). Aiden gets so excited he can't control himself and they get hurt. Every time.

Earlier this year I raised concerns with the Community Health officer that visited my home in anticipation for the arrival of Sophie that Aiden was having speech issues (at present Aiden has the words 'yes' 'no' 'mum' 'bye' 'go' and 'wow' all of which have appeared in the last 6 months) and they referred us to Child Development Unit. We were due for our first appointment with CDU the morning Sophie died but the hospital rescheduled it on our behalf (I can remember holding Sophie's tiny body and Ben trying to hold onto Aiden while the staff were asking us if there was anything we needed taken care of, I was crying and saying we had to go or they'd drop us from the lists, sounds crazy but it wasn't real yet that we wouldn't take her home).
We fist met them in late April where they explained once they assessed Aiden a report would be sent to a pead to mark off any diagnosis (if there was one to make) and we would go from there with regards to therapy (speech, occupational etc). Our assessment was set for late May but had to be rescheduled to today as one of the assessors was sick (they book out crazy fast so you take what you can get really).

Amy was wonderful and drove Aiden and I to CDU this morning and we met Holly and Craig, who were wonderful and Aiden seemed to really like. I was to sit in the corner on a chair not engaging Aiden just watching, unless he brought something to me and even then it was to be minimum interaction so we could really see Aiden's behaviours.
First he wandered around the room in 'free play' where he didn't touch any of the toys. Craig had to sit on the floor and show him things. The tested if Aiden responded to his name (he did), if he would look where instructed (not really) and if this jumping noisy rabbit toy would interest him (not at all). They attempted getting Aiden to ask for more (he just stood there with his arms crossed frowning at his feet until Craig played with the bubbles again) and to see if Aiden would copy how Craig played with toys (eg pretending to make a toy plane fly) and again Aiden didn't. They tried imaginative play, peekaboo, playing with balloons and much more that I can't quite remember.
Afterwards Holly informed me that based on his assessment she believed he would score in the spectrum and told me what would be available to us once a pead signed off on it all. I just got a phone call then confirming that he had indeed scored in the spectrum. We're now waiting for August to make this all official but in the meantime he's going to be doing play therapy (lucky monster got offered a place based on today they thought he would be an excellent candidate).
Here's hoping my gorgeous man gets all the help he needs.

So I've been really lax with this blogging thing but in my defense I've been busy and then my darling children decided my keyboard and mouse were destined to die. No hope of blogging without those.
Today has been a very boring day of cleaning and childrearing, with a job interview thrown in the mix. I think I went well and hopefully I find out this week. Ben and I are both looking for work. Ben wants something full time and I'm after part time or casual work, I still want to be there for the kids as primary care giver. So lately it's been chaos with Red Nose Day (Amy and I are still yet to do the final tally), writing resumés and arguing with our real estate over a second house inspection in a month for no reason (well they won't give me one). So this week amongst Aiden's assessment, replacing our van's water pump and sorting out the last of RND, I have to scrub my house (apparently it must be immaculate and the gardens professionally done HA!).

Tonight I think I shall fold laundry while watching NCIS and maybe an early night. Tomorrow is Aiden's assessment and Ben has to replace the water pump so we will be flat out. I'll try and update tomorrow when we get home when everything is fresh in my mind.

Night

Sorry guys, it's very busy in the Ronlund household at the moment. Red Nose Day is coming up and Amy and I are working our butts off organizing where kids will be, counting stock, readying displays and most importantly what stunning red item of clothing to wear. We are at Cairns Central 9am -5pm Thursday and Friday selling RND merchandise and then on Saturday were at Give Me 5 For Kids Day. I'm so excited to be out there supporting a cause I'm so passionate about. It's silly but I won't ever get birthdays or christmas so this time of year I can celebrate Sophie and talk about her and do something in her honour to hopefully help others.
Hopefully Monday I have a spectacular amount raised to report :)