So here goes.

I've never blogged before. So be gentle guys, it's all a learning curve.

Right now my house is quiet except for the washing machine screaming, I mean beeping at me to empty it (anyone that has ever been to my house can attest to the fact that it's always going off, kids and their luxury of being clothed, tsk). Surprisingly I've gotta a warm coffee (not hot, even when the kids are napping I still dont manage to get hot coffee) and I'm just getting to sit. Sure the floor needs to be cleaned, the laundry is serenading me and the dishes should be done but I'm gonna take the time to just be. Feels good I'm not gonna lie.

Might as well give a bit of history.

I'm married to a wonderful man and sometimes I forget that. He first asked me out when we were 11. We 'dated' until half way through grade 8 until I supposedly dumped him over nothing (seriously Ben it was grade 8 how do you remember this? We went to the movies once and we hung out a handful of times outside of school, hardly a whirlwind romance). Ben changed schools and I went on to drop out of year 11, move to Brisbane, have my son Aiden at 18, move back to Cairns, have triplet girls at 20 and give in to the social phenomenon of facebook, which is how we met again. Facebook recommended we be friends based on a few mutual friends and on December 27 2009 Ben emailed me and we exchanged numbers making plans to hang out sometime in the near future. I had given up the thought of finding a partner with 4 young kids so was excited to just have a new friend.

We started hanging out and things very quickly changed from friendship to the possibility of something more. Ben was very understanding of everything being around the kids and we moved in together in February 2010. We decided we wanted a big family and begun TTC in June 2010. We were thrilled when we found out we were expecting with bub due 1st of April 2011.

In the following months my pregnancy went fairly easily. We started to notice Aiden was a little different to kids in his own age group. His language skills are poor and he is aggressive when things don't go his way (and since has only started saying no, mum and wow). The girls got more independent and were making leaps and bounds from the little premmie girls I brought home all those months ago. We decided to get married and set a date, 12th of February 2011.

Two weeks before that cyclone Yasi was due to hit Cairns and MIL begged us to flee. Ben worried with me being heavily pregnant and 4 young kids it as a bad idea to stay. We fled to Gladstone and stayed with some wonderful friends until we could get home. We managed to pull off the wedding with just a week to find a new venue, restaurant and to fix cake dilemmas. I'm told it was lovely, I was so stressed I barely stopped to breathe let alone enjoy it.

On the 17th of March we met with drs at Cairns Base to discuss the upcoming birth of our daughter. I had a VB with Aiden but had required a c section with the girls due to pre eclampsia and suspected PPH (they were right btw). I begged them for a stretch and sweep to help start labour as I was not coping being pregnant with 4 very needy toddlers. They agreed but my body was not even showing any signs of getting ready to birth and this caused me to burst into tears. I decided to abandon all hope of a VBAC and opt for a c section. It was booked for the following Thursday 24th of March.

We turned up bright and early at the hospital to fill out paperwork and settle in my room until they were ready for us. I was cranky, I hate fasting and darling Benjamin wanted me to go to the cafe with him so he could get breakfast. I declined and sulked in the room waiting for nurses to tell me it was go time. Ben came back in time for them to announce we would be going in after 1pm. I was stressing because a lovely woman I knew had birthed her daughter 2 days earlier only to find she was stillborn. I cried so many tears for them in those first days, fear for my baby and heartbreak for them, which turned into guilt after Sophie was born, that my daughter was here and they were going through that hell and I had no idea what to say (even now that hasn't changed, I talk to my friend nearly everyday and everytime I feel like a fraud, I have 4 kids here with me, I never know if I'm saying the wrong thing or if I'm annoying her).

When I was finally wheeled into surgery and my epidural was placed, Ben was allowed in. He says I was pale as a sheet. As my excited husband sat next to me, I vomited. I'm all class like that. I was so embarrassed. They gave me meds for the nausea and Ben and I chatted while they started the surgery. I felt the tugging and rearranging and eventually we saw her being lifted up. Ben cut the cord and I listened intently for her cry. I nearly cried when she did. Ben brought her over to me and he held her next to my face until it was time for Sophie and I to go to recovery. Ben rang our family and waited in my room.

We were wheeled into the room as SIL, BIL and nephew turned up for cuddles. Photos were taken and then MIL turned up with flowers and a beautiful pink teddy for Sophie. More photos more gushing and then Ben had to go home to the other kids.

It was the first of 14 wonderful days with her. She passed away in her sleep on Thursday 7th of April. 

Sophie Anne

Born 2.17pm 24/3/11 at 38+6

Birth weight 3860g Head circumference 36.5cm Length 51cm

We held you in our arms for two weeks and now you're forever in our hearts.