Grab a cuppa...

Ah housework, my nemesis. Widely known fact about me, I despise housework in any form. Right now I have 4 washing baskets full of clean washing needing to be folded, 2 loads to be washed, house needs to be swept and mopped oh and the dishes won't do themselves, believe me I've tried ignoring them but then they multiply (sneaky bastards). Instead I've decided to have another crack at this and whine until Ben makes me a coffee.

Aiden's at daycare today and tomorrow not only will he be going, his sisters will be too. Thank god because every time we drop Aiden off the struggle in their car seats with their arms outstretched and then cry when we leave him there. The girls are at my grandparents today while we clean the house and just have a break from arguments.

Since Sophie's died family are begging to spend time with the kids and we're all too happy to allow it. It makes them happy and gives us time where we don't have to be 'happy parents' we can just be Ben and Rhiannon and not have to take care of anyone else. It's selfish and we enjoy it. Instead of typing with squirming toddlers on my lap, I have Sophie's bear with her ashes inside perched on my lap. Instead of watching abc2, the tv is off and my music is on. Loud. Only because I hate the silence. Reminds me too much of the morning Sophie died when we finally got home from the hospital. Family had the kids to give us space but even then we could barely stand being in our home. It wasn't until we had the kids back were we alright being in the house. 

Without the kids the house just reeks of death. Every room has her memories in it, weighed down by the memory of finding her cold and blue. That memory will never leave me. Nor will holding her tiny body at her funeral. I was shocked when they handed her to me. She was like ice, but she looked like she was sleeping. Like a coward, I only made my cuddle brief before escaping to outside. I'm sure some people thought I was callous and cold hearted to be out in the sunshine with friends trying just to talk and laugh and forget the reason we were there but I couldn't face her. I saw the autopsy scars on her chest and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. My head spun and I had the strong urge to vomit. I had to leave. Ben held her for a while longer and then I invited family in to say goodbye. I coped a bit of flak for allowing my kids to cuddle their sister goodbye but I didn't care. I'd rather they had that with her then hate me for not giving them their chance to say goodbye. I figured chances are they won't remember it and it wouldn't hurt them. I lost it when Bella and Ruby were kissing her and saying 'baby', trying to wake her. How do you explain to 17 month olds that their sister won't wake up? That this is the last time they'll see her?

The kids were a god send. They knew something was up. Normally Bella won't go to MIL but she cuddled her the whole service. Sienna was so well behaved and was handing out tissues (she loves doing this and I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't have praised that so heavily, now it's all about emptying whole packets of baby wipes and giving them to everyone). Ruby sat with my mum and then proceeded to destroy flowers in the aisle. Seeing this all 3 of them started throwing petals everywhere and rolling in them. Between tears people were smiling and laughing. Aiden even did a lap of the chapel. they kept us afloat. 

Mum also coped it for bring my siblings. Nicola even had friends come for support. I didn't allow my siblings in to see her. I was too afraid of how that might effect them. Nicola sobbed the whole service clutching her boyfriends hand like it was the last life jacket on a sinking boat. I understood that. I held Ben like that and I still do some days. I worry about Nicola some times and the effect Sophie's passing has had on her. Nicola has always dreamt of doing her trade and getting married and having kids, but now she's afraid to even think of ever having kids. I'm trying to reassure SIDS is rare and you can do it all right and it still happen. Just because it happened to me doesn't mean it'll happen to her. Sounds weak to me too.

Tealah was a mess but has recovered well in true 13 year old style. Already I'm getting the 'so?' attitude about everything, while annoying, it's comforting. She still misses Sophie but isn't dwelling on it. I guess that's good (but remind me that when I'm having one of my bad days and wish everyone was hurting like me).

My poor brother Kacey is so hurt. He's angry. Damn angry. He wants answers. He doesn't understand how or why this happened and nothing I say is good enough. Kacey has ASD and he's one of those kids that needs definitive answers. When he gets mad, he gets so frustrated he tends to get violent (sound like any of my kids?). During Sophie's funeral he sat at the very back with a close family friend. When it ended and everyone was putting petals on her coffin I saw him. He was so hurt. His face was screwed up with anger, tears streaming down his cheeks and when I finally got to him, he kept asking why. Why do babies die? Why can't we keep Sophie? Why didn't you save her?

Keisha gets upset every now and then. Keisha normally hates babies, they're boring and cry and have stinky nappies, they're stupid (her words, not mine, so send her the hate mail), but she was so excited about Sophie. When mum told her Sophie had died she asked who shot her. She imagined Sophie had met a violent end thanks to movies and tv. I don't envy mum or my SIL (her son is around the same age) when they had to explain what happened to Sophie. They both didn't want to say she just died in her sleep in case the kids were afraid to sleep. I understood that and have never asked what they told them just because I don't want to know.

I'm probably annoying everyone because I don't sugar coat it. I say her doctors have said SIDS but we're waiting on the official 'word' from the coroner. We won't get that until next year. Great closure huh? Until then I'm going to work my ass off trying to get SIDS awareness out there. We're doing fundraising at the moment but I'd love to do so much more. SIDS was never mentioned to me ever. I have 5 kids and I've never really heard of it. I had never read the guidelines but turns out we were doing the right thing all along. We didn't even get a safe sleeping brochure when she was born. It's frustrating when you want to help, to change things and feeling so useless.

SIDS and Kids Everyday Hero Fundraiser

I've created an Everyday Hero account in Sophie's name. For those who wish to donate please do and those that don't (or can't) if you would please get the word out that would be amazing! Link is on the right hand side of my blog. Lots of love guys xx

So here goes.

I've never blogged before. So be gentle guys, it's all a learning curve.

Right now my house is quiet except for the washing machine screaming, I mean beeping at me to empty it (anyone that has ever been to my house can attest to the fact that it's always going off, kids and their luxury of being clothed, tsk). Surprisingly I've gotta a warm coffee (not hot, even when the kids are napping I still dont manage to get hot coffee) and I'm just getting to sit. Sure the floor needs to be cleaned, the laundry is serenading me and the dishes should be done but I'm gonna take the time to just be. Feels good I'm not gonna lie.

Might as well give a bit of history.

I'm married to a wonderful man and sometimes I forget that. He first asked me out when we were 11. We 'dated' until half way through grade 8 until I supposedly dumped him over nothing (seriously Ben it was grade 8 how do you remember this? We went to the movies once and we hung out a handful of times outside of school, hardly a whirlwind romance). Ben changed schools and I went on to drop out of year 11, move to Brisbane, have my son Aiden at 18, move back to Cairns, have triplet girls at 20 and give in to the social phenomenon of facebook, which is how we met again. Facebook recommended we be friends based on a few mutual friends and on December 27 2009 Ben emailed me and we exchanged numbers making plans to hang out sometime in the near future. I had given up the thought of finding a partner with 4 young kids so was excited to just have a new friend.

We started hanging out and things very quickly changed from friendship to the possibility of something more. Ben was very understanding of everything being around the kids and we moved in together in February 2010. We decided we wanted a big family and begun TTC in June 2010. We were thrilled when we found out we were expecting with bub due 1st of April 2011.

In the following months my pregnancy went fairly easily. We started to notice Aiden was a little different to kids in his own age group. His language skills are poor and he is aggressive when things don't go his way (and since has only started saying no, mum and wow). The girls got more independent and were making leaps and bounds from the little premmie girls I brought home all those months ago. We decided to get married and set a date, 12th of February 2011.

Two weeks before that cyclone Yasi was due to hit Cairns and MIL begged us to flee. Ben worried with me being heavily pregnant and 4 young kids it as a bad idea to stay. We fled to Gladstone and stayed with some wonderful friends until we could get home. We managed to pull off the wedding with just a week to find a new venue, restaurant and to fix cake dilemmas. I'm told it was lovely, I was so stressed I barely stopped to breathe let alone enjoy it.

On the 17th of March we met with drs at Cairns Base to discuss the upcoming birth of our daughter. I had a VB with Aiden but had required a c section with the girls due to pre eclampsia and suspected PPH (they were right btw). I begged them for a stretch and sweep to help start labour as I was not coping being pregnant with 4 very needy toddlers. They agreed but my body was not even showing any signs of getting ready to birth and this caused me to burst into tears. I decided to abandon all hope of a VBAC and opt for a c section. It was booked for the following Thursday 24th of March.

We turned up bright and early at the hospital to fill out paperwork and settle in my room until they were ready for us. I was cranky, I hate fasting and darling Benjamin wanted me to go to the cafe with him so he could get breakfast. I declined and sulked in the room waiting for nurses to tell me it was go time. Ben came back in time for them to announce we would be going in after 1pm. I was stressing because a lovely woman I knew had birthed her daughter 2 days earlier only to find she was stillborn. I cried so many tears for them in those first days, fear for my baby and heartbreak for them, which turned into guilt after Sophie was born, that my daughter was here and they were going through that hell and I had no idea what to say (even now that hasn't changed, I talk to my friend nearly everyday and everytime I feel like a fraud, I have 4 kids here with me, I never know if I'm saying the wrong thing or if I'm annoying her).

When I was finally wheeled into surgery and my epidural was placed, Ben was allowed in. He says I was pale as a sheet. As my excited husband sat next to me, I vomited. I'm all class like that. I was so embarrassed. They gave me meds for the nausea and Ben and I chatted while they started the surgery. I felt the tugging and rearranging and eventually we saw her being lifted up. Ben cut the cord and I listened intently for her cry. I nearly cried when she did. Ben brought her over to me and he held her next to my face until it was time for Sophie and I to go to recovery. Ben rang our family and waited in my room.

We were wheeled into the room as SIL, BIL and nephew turned up for cuddles. Photos were taken and then MIL turned up with flowers and a beautiful pink teddy for Sophie. More photos more gushing and then Ben had to go home to the other kids.

It was the first of 14 wonderful days with her. She passed away in her sleep on Thursday 7th of April. 

Sophie Anne

Born 2.17pm 24/3/11 at 38+6

Birth weight 3860g Head circumference 36.5cm Length 51cm

We held you in our arms for two weeks and now you're forever in our hearts.