The green eyed monster seems to be living with me fairly often lately. I am jealous of those who have babies. I am jealous of those who are pregnant. I am jealous of those who don't wake numerous times overnight to check their children are breathing. I am jealous of those who don't have to distract their son to go to the post office for fear he will lose it and throw things. I am jealous of those who have an open line of communication with their husband. I am jealous of people that take all this for granted.
I feel like a bad friend. I am overjoyed when my friends announce pregnancies and share beautiful baby photos, but it hurts me. Where is my baby? I know I'm greedy, I have 4 beautiful, healthy kids already, but my plan included more. I planned on 6 kids and all the crazy that comes with it. Instead we have a whole other level of crazy.
My daughters talk about their 'Fifi' so much, pointing out others babies as 'Fifi' which hurts me. I love that they know of their sister but they deserved to grow up with her and fight over toys and clothes and stupid things, to laugh and share their hearts and minds and love one another in that crazy way only sisters can.
Aiden obviously is a fair bit of work and we all sacrifice for Aiden (gladly might I add). The kids love the park and muddies playground but we never go because Aiden runs away and I spend the whole way home angry and in tears. We don't really go to anyone's house anymore (aside from my grandparents) as it's too stressful. Our marriage suffers for the fact we don't even get a break at night. Aiden has a terrible sleep pattern and sleeps in our bed, often waking at 2 or 3am to 'play' (walking in circles in the lounge and play with cars).
The stress on my marriage is insane. It's hard to be on the same page for our children when we're worlds apart. We have dealt with Sophie's death differently and it shows. Ben pulls away from the world and internalises everything, to the point it feels like he doesn't care. It will be weeks between when he talks about her and it's always so raw because he doesn't allow himself to grieve and feel for his daughter and himself. I have done my screaming and yelling and crying about how unfair everything is and how I miss my baby. I proudly have photos of Sophie on my FB and have found my few friends where I am candid about my life (including her) which works wonders for me. I am lucky I have people who recognise that regardless if Soph is here or not, she is my daughter and matters to me.
I have been focusing lately on getting Aiden on wait lists and organising kindy for next year. I have also started a tiny veggie garden (Sienna and I ate a tomato each off our little plant, yay!) which seriously needs to be weeded. We are also striving to live green so the kids are back in cloth nappies and I am happily living plastic free at home (I'm endeavouring to make this an everywhere plan but am taking baby steps so not to scare Ben). I plan on selling our dryer since I have been using it daily (yes even in this hot weather, it's called lazy) and using my car less to get the kids out in the fresh air.
I'm loving baby wearing again, I have a dreamcarrier and Ben has a manduca that are getting used daily. It feels nice to have the kids so close and have my hands free, especially since the girls are teething at the moment and are so clingy.
I will have to take photos of the kids backyard setup. We decided to minimise our stress we would have a playgym at home so no more tears and runners, we just step outside. We now have a large trampoline, a small slide for the girls, a wading pool, a swingset (that I want to fix up, it's fairly old but still has plenty of life in it) and a large double storey wooden playground with swings and 2m slide. The best purchase we have ever made and it gets used daily. It took a mammoth 9 hours to put together (we stuffed up twice, oops) but we are very impressed with it (thanks Shaun and Joel for all your help). This safe place is invaluable for Aiden and will get years of use to come.
Finally I have started going through all my baby things and rehoming them. While I long for another baby I feel its unhealthy to hoard things purely because I bought them for Sophie and she never wore them. I have kept sentimental pieces of hers and the other kids but have made my peace with the fact that things take time and it may be months or years before I fall pregnant. It feels good to be at this place in my life where I'm getting better and now is my time to move forward, instead of constantly looking back.
Much love
