A hard time in the house of Bean

The green eyed monster seems to be living with me fairly often lately. I am jealous of those who have babies. I am jealous of those who are pregnant. I am jealous of those who don't wake numerous times overnight to check their children are breathing. I am jealous of those who don't have to distract their son to go to the post office for fear he will lose it and throw things. I am jealous of those who have an open line of communication with their husband. I am jealous of people that take all this for granted.

I feel like a bad friend. I am overjoyed when my friends announce pregnancies and share beautiful baby photos, but it hurts me. Where is my baby? I know I'm greedy, I have 4 beautiful, healthy kids already, but my plan included more. I planned on 6 kids and all the crazy that comes with it. Instead we have a whole other level of crazy.
My daughters talk about their 'Fifi' so much, pointing out others babies as 'Fifi' which hurts me. I love that they know of their sister but they deserved to grow up with her and fight over toys and clothes and stupid things, to laugh and share their hearts and minds and love one another in that crazy way only sisters can.
Aiden obviously is a fair bit of work and we all sacrifice for Aiden (gladly might I add). The kids love the park and muddies playground but we never go because Aiden runs away and I spend the whole way home angry and in tears. We don't really go to anyone's house anymore (aside from my grandparents) as it's too stressful. Our marriage suffers for the fact we don't even get a break at night. Aiden has a terrible sleep pattern and sleeps in our bed, often waking at 2 or 3am to 'play' (walking in circles in the lounge and play with cars). 

The stress on my marriage is insane. It's hard to be on the same page for our children when we're worlds apart. We have dealt with Sophie's death differently and it shows. Ben pulls away from the world and internalises everything, to the point it feels like he doesn't care. It will be weeks between when he talks about her and it's always so raw because he doesn't allow himself to grieve and feel for his daughter and himself. I have done my screaming and yelling and crying about how unfair everything is and how I miss my baby. I proudly have photos of Sophie on my FB and have found my few friends where I am candid about my life (including her) which works wonders for me. I am lucky I have people who recognise that regardless if Soph is here or not, she is my daughter and matters to me.

I have been focusing lately on getting Aiden on wait lists and organising kindy for next year. I have also started a tiny veggie garden (Sienna and I ate a tomato each off our little plant, yay!) which seriously needs to be weeded. We are also striving to live green so the kids are back in cloth nappies and I am happily living plastic free at home (I'm endeavouring to make this an everywhere plan but am taking baby steps so not to scare Ben). I plan on selling our dryer since I have been using it daily (yes even in this hot weather, it's called lazy) and using my car less to get the kids out in the fresh air.
I'm loving baby wearing again, I have a dreamcarrier and Ben has a manduca that are getting used daily. It feels nice to have the kids so close and have my hands free, especially since the girls are teething at the moment and are so clingy.
I will have to take photos of the kids backyard setup. We decided to minimise our stress we would have a playgym at home so no more tears and runners, we just step outside. We now have a large trampoline, a small slide for the girls, a wading pool, a swingset (that I want to fix up, it's fairly old but still has plenty of life in it) and a large double storey wooden playground with swings and 2m slide. The best purchase we have ever made and it gets used daily. It took a mammoth 9 hours to put together (we stuffed up twice, oops) but we are very impressed with it (thanks Shaun and Joel for all your help). This safe place is invaluable for Aiden and will get years of use to come.
Finally I have started going through all my baby things and rehoming them. While I long for another baby I feel its unhealthy to hoard things purely because I bought them for Sophie and she never wore them. I have kept sentimental pieces of hers and the other kids but have made my peace with the fact that things take time and it may be months or years before I fall pregnant. It feels good to be at this place in my life where I'm getting better and now is my time to move forward, instead of constantly looking back.

Much love

Sorry, sorry!

So I've been superbly slack at blogging of late. My house has needed my attention (we have redone the garden), kids are so busy and I've recently been looking at running a forum on the side.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. Out of nowhere I felt like I was hit with a truck and spent a fair while just sobbing that I missed Sophie and things are never easy (because really if I don't feel sorry for myself, who will?). The girls cuddled me for a while and Aiden went to bed at 5.30pm (Aiden is a terrible sleeper, some nights I can wake up and he's wandering quietly or lying on the lounge room floor silently playing with his hands. It scares the living shit out of you when you step over what you think is a toy and it grabs your leg.) so I figured while he was out to it the girls and I would make muffins.
I can remember being pregnant with Aiden so sure I would have a daughter. I used to talk to 'her' in utero, promising 'her' we would bake together and play dress ups and have fun girly days. When my 20 week scan came up I was shocked to learn 'she' was a he and spent the rest of my pregnancy panicking on how I would relate to a son. When I had the girls I made no such promises as I was panicking how I would manage triplets and a toddler alone. I figured now was as good a time as any to catch up on what we should of been doing for months.
My little ladies sat on the kitchen bench helping me measure, mix and taste test (Bella really enjoyed that part). We made 24 raspberry and pear muffins together and they had one each for dessert. Ben and I put them all to bed at 7pm and I figured I'll keep baking until Aiden wakes up.
Fast forward to 1am, 2 trays of pumpkin scones and 18 vegie muffins later (with a clean kitchen and all) I realised something. Aiden may actually sleep through, despite the early bedtime. I squished into bed next to Aiden and hoped for the best.
This morning I enjoyed an 8am wakeup thanks to Bella, Sienna and Ruby jumping on us and for once Aiden woke up refreshed in a good mood. We managed showers, breakfast and took the girls to my grandparents so Ben and I could take Aiden to play therapy.
Aiden had a great session where he pretended to drink from a teacup repeatedly, that a box was a car and then a plane, and then finished off with playing farm animals. It's a big step up from his first session where it took 5 minutes of us pretending to drink from a teacup for him to try once. It sounds silly but these are big things in this house.
Well I'm off to diffuse the fight that is naptime :)

Today I was faced with a dilemma. I told my son's daycare that he is on the spectrum, awaiting official diagnosis from the paediatrician and that I would appreciate an open line of communication about his day. His group leader was great, really working with me and listening to what I had to say. She said she has been making allowances for Aiden for a while now, finding there are things he cannot and will not do and pushing them only ends in melt down. She told me she gently holds Aiden's face so he's forced to make eye contact, and has been telling off other staff for yelling at my son when doesn't listen or won't play with others.
Wait hang on, people are yelling at Aiden? For not sitting on the mat and playing with others when he's stressed? For not wanting to touch play dough? For getting over stimulated and scared so he has a meltdown? I get that it is frustrating sometimes but jesus, yelling at my 3 year old for things he can't help? The director refuses to accept that there's anything different about Aiden until a letter from the paeds is in her hand and until then (and I quote) 'we won't do special treatment'.
Aiden doesn't want anything fancy like a ferrari, he just wants help to cope with the world around him. If he was physically handicapped they'd be doing whatever was necessary in fear of me suing their asses if they didn't, but no, my son looks like every other 3 year old so he will be treated like one, despite needing assistance.
Do I keep him where he has just settled and put up with this bullshit or do I move him and make him start all over again?

Urgh they make me so mad. Well I'm off to nit comb my children's hair again as daycare will be checking their hair for eggs and if there is so much as one in any of their hair they have to all go home and I get to pay for another day of daycare they're being excluded from despite having no live nits /screams.

My beautiful boy

I am blessed. I have 5 gorgeous kids and a wonderful husband. While I only get to hold my 4 eldest children I know I'm lucky, I have no doubt. I've decided to focus on my little man today.

Aiden was born at 5.10am in Redcliffe hospital after 11 hours of labour. He was a healthy 3.4kg, 51cm long and had a 34cm round noggin. He was perfect and such a spunk. He spent a little time in SCBU with a suspected heart murmur but we left hospital 5 days later. When he was 6 weeks old we moved back to Cairns.
Aiden was an active cheeky bub and toddler but his speech has always been lacking. He gets easily frustrated at a lack of communication which turns into violence very quickly (imagine relying on others to feed, change and care for you but not be able to effectively communicate your wants and needs, you'd get slap happy too).
Aiden is obsessive about things too, the pantry must be a certain way, all the toys must be grouped together (cars with cars, dolls with dolls) and doors must be locked (and occasionally shut if the mood strikes him). He won't make eye contact with strangers, he peeks at them under his eyelashes and looks to me for reassurance for everything (which makes strangers think I'm the biggest helicopter parent ever). Aiden can't just have one biscuit, it MUST be one in each hand (and this goes for all food), he hates the texture of playdough and loves to tip over the dog food and run his hands through it over and over until it is everywhere (he can't help it, when I try and stop him you can see how distressed he gets). Aiden loves to dance and watch tv. Imaginative play doesn't exist here and he spends 90% of his day avoiding interacting with others. Aiden gets stressed trying to play with his sisters, they don't respect his silent rules (don't move things he places down, they're there for a reason, etc) and he gets in so much trouble from Ben for wrestling his sisters (in his defense Bella and Ruby start it and by god does he finish it). Aiden gets so excited he can't control himself and they get hurt. Every time.

Earlier this year I raised concerns with the Community Health officer that visited my home in anticipation for the arrival of Sophie that Aiden was having speech issues (at present Aiden has the words 'yes' 'no' 'mum' 'bye' 'go' and 'wow' all of which have appeared in the last 6 months) and they referred us to Child Development Unit. We were due for our first appointment with CDU the morning Sophie died but the hospital rescheduled it on our behalf (I can remember holding Sophie's tiny body and Ben trying to hold onto Aiden while the staff were asking us if there was anything we needed taken care of, I was crying and saying we had to go or they'd drop us from the lists, sounds crazy but it wasn't real yet that we wouldn't take her home).
We fist met them in late April where they explained once they assessed Aiden a report would be sent to a pead to mark off any diagnosis (if there was one to make) and we would go from there with regards to therapy (speech, occupational etc). Our assessment was set for late May but had to be rescheduled to today as one of the assessors was sick (they book out crazy fast so you take what you can get really).

Amy was wonderful and drove Aiden and I to CDU this morning and we met Holly and Craig, who were wonderful and Aiden seemed to really like. I was to sit in the corner on a chair not engaging Aiden just watching, unless he brought something to me and even then it was to be minimum interaction so we could really see Aiden's behaviours.
First he wandered around the room in 'free play' where he didn't touch any of the toys. Craig had to sit on the floor and show him things. The tested if Aiden responded to his name (he did), if he would look where instructed (not really) and if this jumping noisy rabbit toy would interest him (not at all). They attempted getting Aiden to ask for more (he just stood there with his arms crossed frowning at his feet until Craig played with the bubbles again) and to see if Aiden would copy how Craig played with toys (eg pretending to make a toy plane fly) and again Aiden didn't. They tried imaginative play, peekaboo, playing with balloons and much more that I can't quite remember.
Afterwards Holly informed me that based on his assessment she believed he would score in the spectrum and told me what would be available to us once a pead signed off on it all. I just got a phone call then confirming that he had indeed scored in the spectrum. We're now waiting for August to make this all official but in the meantime he's going to be doing play therapy (lucky monster got offered a place based on today they thought he would be an excellent candidate).
Here's hoping my gorgeous man gets all the help he needs.

So I've been really lax with this blogging thing but in my defense I've been busy and then my darling children decided my keyboard and mouse were destined to die. No hope of blogging without those.
Today has been a very boring day of cleaning and childrearing, with a job interview thrown in the mix. I think I went well and hopefully I find out this week. Ben and I are both looking for work. Ben wants something full time and I'm after part time or casual work, I still want to be there for the kids as primary care giver. So lately it's been chaos with Red Nose Day (Amy and I are still yet to do the final tally), writing resumés and arguing with our real estate over a second house inspection in a month for no reason (well they won't give me one). So this week amongst Aiden's assessment, replacing our van's water pump and sorting out the last of RND, I have to scrub my house (apparently it must be immaculate and the gardens professionally done HA!).

Tonight I think I shall fold laundry while watching NCIS and maybe an early night. Tomorrow is Aiden's assessment and Ben has to replace the water pump so we will be flat out. I'll try and update tomorrow when we get home when everything is fresh in my mind.

Night

Sorry guys, it's very busy in the Ronlund household at the moment. Red Nose Day is coming up and Amy and I are working our butts off organizing where kids will be, counting stock, readying displays and most importantly what stunning red item of clothing to wear. We are at Cairns Central 9am -5pm Thursday and Friday selling RND merchandise and then on Saturday were at Give Me 5 For Kids Day. I'm so excited to be out there supporting a cause I'm so passionate about. It's silly but I won't ever get birthdays or christmas so this time of year I can celebrate Sophie and talk about her and do something in her honour to hopefully help others.
Hopefully Monday I have a spectacular amount raised to report :)

Grab a cuppa...

Ah housework, my nemesis. Widely known fact about me, I despise housework in any form. Right now I have 4 washing baskets full of clean washing needing to be folded, 2 loads to be washed, house needs to be swept and mopped oh and the dishes won't do themselves, believe me I've tried ignoring them but then they multiply (sneaky bastards). Instead I've decided to have another crack at this and whine until Ben makes me a coffee.

Aiden's at daycare today and tomorrow not only will he be going, his sisters will be too. Thank god because every time we drop Aiden off the struggle in their car seats with their arms outstretched and then cry when we leave him there. The girls are at my grandparents today while we clean the house and just have a break from arguments.

Since Sophie's died family are begging to spend time with the kids and we're all too happy to allow it. It makes them happy and gives us time where we don't have to be 'happy parents' we can just be Ben and Rhiannon and not have to take care of anyone else. It's selfish and we enjoy it. Instead of typing with squirming toddlers on my lap, I have Sophie's bear with her ashes inside perched on my lap. Instead of watching abc2, the tv is off and my music is on. Loud. Only because I hate the silence. Reminds me too much of the morning Sophie died when we finally got home from the hospital. Family had the kids to give us space but even then we could barely stand being in our home. It wasn't until we had the kids back were we alright being in the house. 

Without the kids the house just reeks of death. Every room has her memories in it, weighed down by the memory of finding her cold and blue. That memory will never leave me. Nor will holding her tiny body at her funeral. I was shocked when they handed her to me. She was like ice, but she looked like she was sleeping. Like a coward, I only made my cuddle brief before escaping to outside. I'm sure some people thought I was callous and cold hearted to be out in the sunshine with friends trying just to talk and laugh and forget the reason we were there but I couldn't face her. I saw the autopsy scars on her chest and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. My head spun and I had the strong urge to vomit. I had to leave. Ben held her for a while longer and then I invited family in to say goodbye. I coped a bit of flak for allowing my kids to cuddle their sister goodbye but I didn't care. I'd rather they had that with her then hate me for not giving them their chance to say goodbye. I figured chances are they won't remember it and it wouldn't hurt them. I lost it when Bella and Ruby were kissing her and saying 'baby', trying to wake her. How do you explain to 17 month olds that their sister won't wake up? That this is the last time they'll see her?

The kids were a god send. They knew something was up. Normally Bella won't go to MIL but she cuddled her the whole service. Sienna was so well behaved and was handing out tissues (she loves doing this and I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't have praised that so heavily, now it's all about emptying whole packets of baby wipes and giving them to everyone). Ruby sat with my mum and then proceeded to destroy flowers in the aisle. Seeing this all 3 of them started throwing petals everywhere and rolling in them. Between tears people were smiling and laughing. Aiden even did a lap of the chapel. they kept us afloat. 

Mum also coped it for bring my siblings. Nicola even had friends come for support. I didn't allow my siblings in to see her. I was too afraid of how that might effect them. Nicola sobbed the whole service clutching her boyfriends hand like it was the last life jacket on a sinking boat. I understood that. I held Ben like that and I still do some days. I worry about Nicola some times and the effect Sophie's passing has had on her. Nicola has always dreamt of doing her trade and getting married and having kids, but now she's afraid to even think of ever having kids. I'm trying to reassure SIDS is rare and you can do it all right and it still happen. Just because it happened to me doesn't mean it'll happen to her. Sounds weak to me too.

Tealah was a mess but has recovered well in true 13 year old style. Already I'm getting the 'so?' attitude about everything, while annoying, it's comforting. She still misses Sophie but isn't dwelling on it. I guess that's good (but remind me that when I'm having one of my bad days and wish everyone was hurting like me).

My poor brother Kacey is so hurt. He's angry. Damn angry. He wants answers. He doesn't understand how or why this happened and nothing I say is good enough. Kacey has ASD and he's one of those kids that needs definitive answers. When he gets mad, he gets so frustrated he tends to get violent (sound like any of my kids?). During Sophie's funeral he sat at the very back with a close family friend. When it ended and everyone was putting petals on her coffin I saw him. He was so hurt. His face was screwed up with anger, tears streaming down his cheeks and when I finally got to him, he kept asking why. Why do babies die? Why can't we keep Sophie? Why didn't you save her?

Keisha gets upset every now and then. Keisha normally hates babies, they're boring and cry and have stinky nappies, they're stupid (her words, not mine, so send her the hate mail), but she was so excited about Sophie. When mum told her Sophie had died she asked who shot her. She imagined Sophie had met a violent end thanks to movies and tv. I don't envy mum or my SIL (her son is around the same age) when they had to explain what happened to Sophie. They both didn't want to say she just died in her sleep in case the kids were afraid to sleep. I understood that and have never asked what they told them just because I don't want to know.

I'm probably annoying everyone because I don't sugar coat it. I say her doctors have said SIDS but we're waiting on the official 'word' from the coroner. We won't get that until next year. Great closure huh? Until then I'm going to work my ass off trying to get SIDS awareness out there. We're doing fundraising at the moment but I'd love to do so much more. SIDS was never mentioned to me ever. I have 5 kids and I've never really heard of it. I had never read the guidelines but turns out we were doing the right thing all along. We didn't even get a safe sleeping brochure when she was born. It's frustrating when you want to help, to change things and feeling so useless.

SIDS and Kids Everyday Hero Fundraiser

I've created an Everyday Hero account in Sophie's name. For those who wish to donate please do and those that don't (or can't) if you would please get the word out that would be amazing! Link is on the right hand side of my blog. Lots of love guys xx

So here goes.

I've never blogged before. So be gentle guys, it's all a learning curve.

Right now my house is quiet except for the washing machine screaming, I mean beeping at me to empty it (anyone that has ever been to my house can attest to the fact that it's always going off, kids and their luxury of being clothed, tsk). Surprisingly I've gotta a warm coffee (not hot, even when the kids are napping I still dont manage to get hot coffee) and I'm just getting to sit. Sure the floor needs to be cleaned, the laundry is serenading me and the dishes should be done but I'm gonna take the time to just be. Feels good I'm not gonna lie.

Might as well give a bit of history.

I'm married to a wonderful man and sometimes I forget that. He first asked me out when we were 11. We 'dated' until half way through grade 8 until I supposedly dumped him over nothing (seriously Ben it was grade 8 how do you remember this? We went to the movies once and we hung out a handful of times outside of school, hardly a whirlwind romance). Ben changed schools and I went on to drop out of year 11, move to Brisbane, have my son Aiden at 18, move back to Cairns, have triplet girls at 20 and give in to the social phenomenon of facebook, which is how we met again. Facebook recommended we be friends based on a few mutual friends and on December 27 2009 Ben emailed me and we exchanged numbers making plans to hang out sometime in the near future. I had given up the thought of finding a partner with 4 young kids so was excited to just have a new friend.

We started hanging out and things very quickly changed from friendship to the possibility of something more. Ben was very understanding of everything being around the kids and we moved in together in February 2010. We decided we wanted a big family and begun TTC in June 2010. We were thrilled when we found out we were expecting with bub due 1st of April 2011.

In the following months my pregnancy went fairly easily. We started to notice Aiden was a little different to kids in his own age group. His language skills are poor and he is aggressive when things don't go his way (and since has only started saying no, mum and wow). The girls got more independent and were making leaps and bounds from the little premmie girls I brought home all those months ago. We decided to get married and set a date, 12th of February 2011.

Two weeks before that cyclone Yasi was due to hit Cairns and MIL begged us to flee. Ben worried with me being heavily pregnant and 4 young kids it as a bad idea to stay. We fled to Gladstone and stayed with some wonderful friends until we could get home. We managed to pull off the wedding with just a week to find a new venue, restaurant and to fix cake dilemmas. I'm told it was lovely, I was so stressed I barely stopped to breathe let alone enjoy it.

On the 17th of March we met with drs at Cairns Base to discuss the upcoming birth of our daughter. I had a VB with Aiden but had required a c section with the girls due to pre eclampsia and suspected PPH (they were right btw). I begged them for a stretch and sweep to help start labour as I was not coping being pregnant with 4 very needy toddlers. They agreed but my body was not even showing any signs of getting ready to birth and this caused me to burst into tears. I decided to abandon all hope of a VBAC and opt for a c section. It was booked for the following Thursday 24th of March.

We turned up bright and early at the hospital to fill out paperwork and settle in my room until they were ready for us. I was cranky, I hate fasting and darling Benjamin wanted me to go to the cafe with him so he could get breakfast. I declined and sulked in the room waiting for nurses to tell me it was go time. Ben came back in time for them to announce we would be going in after 1pm. I was stressing because a lovely woman I knew had birthed her daughter 2 days earlier only to find she was stillborn. I cried so many tears for them in those first days, fear for my baby and heartbreak for them, which turned into guilt after Sophie was born, that my daughter was here and they were going through that hell and I had no idea what to say (even now that hasn't changed, I talk to my friend nearly everyday and everytime I feel like a fraud, I have 4 kids here with me, I never know if I'm saying the wrong thing or if I'm annoying her).

When I was finally wheeled into surgery and my epidural was placed, Ben was allowed in. He says I was pale as a sheet. As my excited husband sat next to me, I vomited. I'm all class like that. I was so embarrassed. They gave me meds for the nausea and Ben and I chatted while they started the surgery. I felt the tugging and rearranging and eventually we saw her being lifted up. Ben cut the cord and I listened intently for her cry. I nearly cried when she did. Ben brought her over to me and he held her next to my face until it was time for Sophie and I to go to recovery. Ben rang our family and waited in my room.

We were wheeled into the room as SIL, BIL and nephew turned up for cuddles. Photos were taken and then MIL turned up with flowers and a beautiful pink teddy for Sophie. More photos more gushing and then Ben had to go home to the other kids.

It was the first of 14 wonderful days with her. She passed away in her sleep on Thursday 7th of April. 

Sophie Anne

Born 2.17pm 24/3/11 at 38+6

Birth weight 3860g Head circumference 36.5cm Length 51cm

We held you in our arms for two weeks and now you're forever in our hearts.